You ever wonder why we’re here…

I'm Really Trying To Not Screw Up GIF | Gfycat

… It’s one of life’s great mysteries indeed. Ugh, looking back at my last update I have the broken record sound and really depressing …

In all accounts, 2020 was a train wreck, easily one of the worst years I have ever had, probably the worst that most people have had in recent memory. It started off with medical problems, then medical problems with family, then a good psychological blow just a week before my birthday. So, within the first half of the year I was pretty well in a bad place. Add to that 20 anniversary of Dad’s passing, a Global Pandemic, not able to travel, and a collection of abusive selfish leach-like people. By the end of the year I had just about checked out mentally – burned out.

I know I am not the only one that had problems last year but, I can only speak for myself. I feel that it is worth acknowledging (without all the specifics) “Yes, some bad stuff happened and was really depressing” definitely helps putting a cap on those things. Continuing to talk about the problems is just giving mistakes of the past year free reign to keep bringing me down. It is a new year and after a few weeks in, looking a lot different than last year, not exactly brighter, but different.

I am starting off this year by clearing out the backlog of things that I wanted to do last year but did not get off the ground. One habit I really have to break is this streak of needing everything to be perfect when I do not have a set timeline – as in “I want to do this, you know sometime …”. There is not too much that was gathering dust, but I did want to put this up first though – if nothing else, just to have clarity and direction in my own mind.

This is not that whole “New Year, New Me” bullshit, because I was trying that last year – I completed training for Autopsy (digital forensic software), I had joined a gym (pandemic hit a week later… no joke), I was trying to be more outgoing with people I cared about (… then a week before my birthday …), I tried to be decent to leaches (almost got into a brawl). Nope, this is me dusting off, reloading, and re-engaging life. Here is a list of what I have in store…

  • Robots begging for their lives
  • Tales from the thrift store
  • A Browser Based Laptop
  • Unreal Tournament
  • Community
  • An infinite universe
  • Being terrible at video games
  • Strange fixin’s for technical problems

Stick around, going to be an adventure!

If At First You Don’t Succeed

… try … try … try … try … try again …

I can’t say it better than Col. O’Neill, and like him I keep trying again.

I thought I might be overdue for an update, while I was hoping to have a ton of forward progress to report, the battle of the mind is far from over. While speed and direction are still questionable, I am starting to see a path appearing out of the fog. Staying on that path though, that seems to be the tricky part …

I’ve been taking time for mindless relaxation and I have been playing quite a bit of Rimworld. It’s hard to explain, but it has been sort of a Zen thing – the game is relaxing but easy to jump in and out of as needed. Plus the game is fun, when it isn’t beating you over the head, for that tiny poorly planned trade you made 15 minutes ago. If you’ve never heard of it, the game is a sort of resource planning, micromanagement, world building sort of game – like Sim City but in the year 5000 and you crash landed on a barren world. It also plays on Windows and Linux which is great when you have a goal in life to travel and still be able to have those digital distractions that you enjoy at home (ie – movies, games, etc). So, there we have a goal to reach – movies and games anywhere I go, seems silly, but not without technical challenges to overcome – stay tuned I want to dedicate some writing to that. I figure at the rate this year is going, I should be able to have the movies and what not wrapped up by the end of the year.

Of course that isn’t the only goal that I have managed to discover. 2020 has been flat out the most bizarre of years I have ever seen – it seems almost as if the year can’t figure out what it wants to sucker punch you with before it steals your wallet. Which of course leads me to my second goal I .. well finished. At the end of 2019 I wrapped up a bunch of bills into a single payment with a personal loan – my goal was to pay that off this year, which I did… and then I had to replace my Air Conditioner. I now have cold air in the house, but a hole in my wallet again … back to the drawing board so to speak, and a 2021 completion.

I’m also starting to make my steps back into the realms of Cyber Security. I was presented with an opportunity to take training on a digital forensics tool which got me heading down a road I started down when I was in college. Paraphrasing a post I put on Facebook a few weeks back – The road to the future is paved with Autopsy, and strange acronyms like SSCP and OSCP. Gonna be a scenic and bumpy road.

I still feel exhausted, both physically and mentally, not worse than before but only a little better. I suspect both come from a combination of 2020 being a screaming toddler running with a ginsu knife, cutting wildly at everything it can and a set of bad habits that I noticed since my last writing. While I’m not willing to discuss them, I’ve started to make a few of them more difficult to keep up with – This should put a damper on at least one of two of those things that keep me in a rut. Getting more sleep and going to the gym should help too – I signed up to start going JUST before Covid locked everything down … Maybe its a sign, or another goal to accomplish by the end of the year, along with a minor dental issue I have been putting off for some time.

Something I want to give a minute or two worth of attention (really something just to get out into words), guys appearing to be jealous. This just seemed to come up in conversation in the last couple weeks – other guys seeming to be jealous of things that I have done … while I’m flattered than you know that I am so awesome, just because I am talking to people or doing certain things – it does not mean I am competing with everyone. So, if you are reading this, and jealous of something I am doing or said … Likely I have no idea who you are, so man the fuck up and be far more excellent than me – make it a competition worth getting my attention to compete in.

… No longer in possession of ones faculties, three fries short of a happy meal, WACKO !!

This isn’t everything that I have been working on, but the items I feel comfortable talking about right now, more will come down the road. Oh, and I have renamed this series of posts as the “State of Insanity” … Borrowed from where I can’t remember right off, but it seemed a lot more fitting for what I was trying to convey. Again Stargate provides the most excellent visual for this thought. Meme’s continue as always and plan to have more content coming soon. Thanks for reading and stay safe everyone.

I got words …

So, I got words.. I usually don’t talk about myself, but as the last year (and change) has been a less than auspicious time (careful Firefly reference intro over…) and I have to get some stuff out. Since this is my site, I feel like I can use it to get said stuff out. It will be 20 years this June that my dad passed away from a relatively brief and intense battle with cancer, diagnosed because he was unable to eat. 11 years ago I have to pack up and leave my home and move down south – turns out mortgages don’t get paid on good intentions and when no one wants to give you a job you have to go where the work is. Just about 4 years ago I came to this strange conclusion that depression will try to take everything if you let it – it was a shock, but I went to ask for professional help. It wasn’t a quick or easy road, and it took my recent break from social media to cement the realization that I have just been drifting, letting life happen. Sure, I finished college and started my career, but once I accomplished these goals I just kept things at a status quo, never really moving off course of day to day. Looking back I have said and done things that I am not proud of – things to keep people at arms length, keep them from disturbing my path of day to day existence, or worse make them think I wasn’t listening and didn’t care. I won’t get into specifics as I want to put those things in the past and leave them there where they belong. It turns out though that I have the honor of knowing some pretty awesome people and to them I have to say a thank you, and an apology for those things I said to keep people away.

So what does this mean for the future? … I don’t know yet, but the hardest part is done, acknowledging the problem. I’ve been trying to put all this into words for a couple weeks now and in that time I have been paring down – selling old gear that I bought that kept me bouncing from one day to the next. It has helped getting to that focus of who and what is most important. It is still a day to day battle, but I’m starting to feel like I’m regaining some direction … This is not a ‘woe is me’ post or with a bunch of excuses, but now that I’ve spilled my guts, I have made my progress out of this rut not just something that I have to hold myself accountable for, but something that everyone can smack me around and hold me accountable for (and I know a few people who will, because they did 4 years ago), actions speak louder than words.

More will come, as putting this into words feels like a positive step to breaking out.

Update Show for September 22

Between long work week, and a lack of enthusiasm this weekend (a whole lot of meh), there are not many updates to post this week. Of course the Monday and Friday posts start the site restoring project and I have a few of the previous stories scheduled to come back between this week and next week. There’s some junk that has to be cleaned up as it either no longer has anything useful anymore at least, and I have a couple projects I am working on which is going to be awesome.

Next week I will be out of town for a work exercise, so there will not be Update Show next week (.. likely).

Update Show for September 15

The time appeared for some reset and cleanup, or more like I was looking through some things and found missing links, incomplete setups, and a few other things I was not too happy with. Most of this was due to work and personal life issues. Since the majority of the content was random nonsense and there were gaps in the automations used to share between all the medias I decided to go ahead and do a clean and reset of all the social medias, posts, pages, and a few other bits. For anyone that’s been to the site before, this will look odd, since all the content suddenly disappeared, but fear not most of this will return with a little more context and background (’cause I am not about to let good music and jokes go to waste!)